Detached (de tacht di)
1. not connected; separate
2. not involved by emotion, interests
3. aloof; impartial
Whoever or whatever removed this feeling from my soul – I cannot thank you enough, I won’t thank you enough, my body won’t even allow me to try.
A significant weight has been taken off my shoulders without my knowledge
Everything I loved means nothing to me
My passions – history
The anger that has been seeping out my pores, well I just turn my nose up at that
Oh, and hate? I am not sure I am familiar with that word.
I couldn’t describe any emotions without a dictionary
I do know the definition of dead for that’s what I am now
I used up all my emotions in such a short period of time that I now have none
I also know the definition of turmoil- remember there is no soul behind my seemingly friendly exterior.
I contemplate how much it would hurt to die regardless of the method- the actual life leaving my eyes and the last breath I take- I have yet to find a trust-worthy source to ask
My guess is if you are already dead, it wouldn’t hurt at all. You wouldn’t feel a thing.
I fear not walking alone at night
I fear not crossing traffic without the walk symbol
I fear not being fired
I fear not of having nothing
I fear not of death and as I lay my head down for sleep, I really don’t care to ever wake up again.
Detached (de tacht di)
Re: How are you?
My Saturdays were once spent lying on your couch, fighting over the remote and making love.Now they are spent in isolation, taking medicine whenever a memory of you is replaced with the emptiness in my mind.
Sundays, instead of going grocery shopping, running errands with you and of course, making love- I lay on the hard wood floors of my apartment tears streaming down my face at the suppression of our love.
Monday, I awake- it’s time to live; I can’t quite remember for what? Work. I work so hard, drowning myself in requisitions and turn my charm on for co-workers, strangers- people who do not deserve this pain to be projected on them. I stay until either I get hungry for food or drugs. Now it’s time to start my evening; I take only 8 pills for survival. I still don’t think it’s enough. I walk to the kitchen and pour wine. I don’t prepare dinner- for I don’t eat. Eating gives me pleasure. The only pleasure I am willing to acknowledge is the pleasure of illicit affairs.
Affairs that I pretend are with you.
So I turn on the Smiths’, who are also lonely, I pull down my pants and go to work.
Sometimes, for an hour or so, just carving and feeling
Carving bleeding and feeling
Carving, bleeding, feeling
Tuesday is like Monday and Wednesday is like Tuesday, Thursday like Wednesday.
The only difference in Friday, is that I take additional pills since it’s the weekend. And sometimes I hope and I beg as I nod off with the blade in hand – that I will accidentally overdose and leave this world behind me.
I always wake with a mixture of disappointment and relief; relief because you may come back to me, disappointment because I know you won’t.
Why do you ask and more importantly how are you?
It’s a good thing you were alone in your garage that night
It’s a good thing no one saw me sneak in, grab your petite breasts from behind with my left hand,
Cover your agape mouth with my right hand
It’s a good thing
A very good thing
Otherwise, I would not be before your grave speaking to you today
Should I apologize to make me seem more of a human? Or should I own up to my sins and promote them like the Bolsheviks?
It is a good thing, that you were alone in your garage that night
That underneath the black sky I was only kissing you and at first just gently forced myself behind you
As I knew you would not get louder, my thrusts became faster and faster; more hungrily more greedily.
This is a good thing; for I am given you the deep dark desire that is in your soul- what you truly want done to you that you will tell no one.
Oh, I thrust and I scream and I spank and I thrust
It’s a good think that no one can see us
It’s a very good thing, for no one can judge us
Without warning, a knife is pulled out, carving at your face removing skin from soul. I cry out in a mixture of pain and glee and thrust some more
I am sure this hurts, but eventually it will heal and no one will care anymore
So I keep thrusting
The soggy rough skin is offered to me in mid-thrust
It is a very good thing that it is just us
Such a very good thing; for if not- we would be imprisoned indefinitely
So overwhelmed with pleasure, so overwhelmed with passion as well as fear
I take the flesh of your face and place it on my own
And I keep thrusting,
I feel more confident and it feels more natural to become the person you are becoming
Yes, it hurts, yes it’s crazy but yes…it’s so natural and lovely
It’s a good thing
A very good thing
So I keep on thrusting
I run full speed, keeping my eye on the price- you
The only reason my eyes dart towards the ground is to not trip over the dirt, destroyed branches, and the path.
It is a hunt. I am a hunter- I don’t mind because I know I’ll catch you
You are but a woman, a woman out of shape, a woman in absolute fear for her life.
I laugh at the thought of holding your destiny in my hands
I pick up the pace and I hear your heavy breathing, yet you don’t scream
Why don’t you scream? Right, no one would hear you in this New England forest
The hunt has just begun, yet I’m sure it feels like hours for you
Some may call me insane, but insanity is just a feeling not a fact
I approach your trembling figure, dodging the rugged path before you
Mother Earth has not been on your side, God has not been on your side- I am absolutely not on your side
I reach and pull your shoulder length hair to snap your neck backwards- You still do not scream
This makes me roll my deep brown eyes, I want to make you scream, I want to make you come from fear and remember me who stole the rest of your life.
That is what this is, a theft.
We are deep in the woods now, deeper than I had ever been before. I feel a surge of adrenaline as if I am skydiving or watching a horror movie. I am watching a horror movie, my own televised version of the truth
I now have your body between my legs. I smile because I know the adrenaline I feel will soon come to a peaceful calm sense that will lull me to sleep instantly with blood still on my hands.
I don’t want to be inside of you, my main goal is to disfigure you.
I pull down your pants quickly; there are real hunters out here, hunters that hunt animals
I must be careful that I don’t make you scream- yet you’ve been so good so far.
Your black eyes look at me, not in fear but in defeat. You are tired and have accepted your fate. I’m not satisfied; I need you to struggle for your life.
Don’t give up- I say, Please don’t give up. She is puzzled, as she should be, here is a man that she’s grown to trust, straddling her with hungry eyes, I advise her that once this is over she will be with all the ones she once loved and never thought she’d see again. She doesn’t beg, she doesn’t move an inch. She stares into my eyes. “I love you” is all she says
This excites me, murder and love go hand and hand, I don’t need a struggle I need love.
I carefully remove the scalpel from my pocket and begin to carve away everything that you have used to get what you want; everything that you have used to hurt people like me
This time, a scream of agony escapes your throat. I don’t silence you, I quite like it
I am fearful you will tell, you know who I am- I am your psychiatrist. After listening to you over the years, it’s imperative that I help you. I’ve grown quite fond of you. But your womanhood is destroying you. I must take corrective measures. Instinctively, I bash your head against the rock beside us. Your eyes are open, tears streaming down your face. This time when I pick up the rock, your skull finally caves in- you’re innocent look never to be the same again.
So- why would you want to live like that, you are completely disfigured; hopefully never to fool another with your charm and the games. So, I take off your scarf, which your mother bought you, and I press down on your face and smother you madly. You struggle slightly but I knew that you were dead as soon as you walked into my office. There was never anything behind those eyes, no one loved you, and no one will miss you.
I won’t even charge you a co-pay for this session- that’s how dedicated I am to you. This is the most selfless act I’ve ever done. And it feels wonderful
I’ll start by saying it is not a possibility to live without you
It is not possible to wake up and have someone else be the first person I see.
It is not possible to live that way and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy
I know how she feels, to have spots on my body burn when you remove your fingers
To feel the shortness of breath she feels when she sees you coming
I know how it feels for the only taste craved to be your full tangy lips to miss the weight of your body on top of mine and to find others so boring and yearn for your intellect
And I will not put up a fight- to keep your magic in my life, I simply cannot
Instead I will beg you to keep your body close to mine and keep your mind on me, always on me
I have no dignity and no past, no one comes close to you.
I’ll beg you to treasure the memories that I can’t make enough of
I’ll beg you to take me with you
I’ll kick and scream and pull my hair out.
I’ll peel back the skin on my face and dig my nails deep in your chest
And if you still won’t stay? I must concede to the only world I know without you to be a world without you
My darling, at some time in the future you will die. A quiet and peaceful timely death in your eighties or a violent and untimely death in your forties.
Either way I can assure you it won’t have an ounce of the love that this death will have in it
This death will be slow and painless as we gaze into each other’s eyes, watching the life slowly drain out
I promise to follow you and I may reach our destiny first in which case I will be waiting patiently for you to hold me in the afterlife.
I wouldn’t be surprised if your touch brought us both back to life
Perhaps things would be different or perhaps I would once again love you to death.
The first time I looked into your eyes, I felt the world turn on its axis.
I felt the sun grow brighter and hotter, everyone who had come before you seemed a distant memory,
I knew I had to feel your hot hands touch every inch of me
I wondered what this feeling was, it couldn’t be love, could it?
We had just met
Sure as the sky is blue, it was.
I followed you everywhere like a lost puppy trying to find its way home.
The first time that our lips touched, I had come home.
I was ready to spend the rest of my life in love with you and only you
Now that I’m with you, nothing even matters at all.
I listen to you breath while you sleep, I watch you and touch you to make sure you are still with me - To make sure that you’ll never leave me
My Oh My, its suddenly been 2 years since our lips first touched, since our bodies entwined in a hasty knot, since you first possessed my heart.
My pulse still quickens when you walk into a room and I still gush at your advances
I can’t remember a world without you and I can only imagine it being dark cold and a deafening silence
We are no longer two people we are one soul in two bodies that the world must recognize
Wherever you go, I will go,
Whatever you feel, I will feel
And when you hurt, I will hurt
I hope you are not scared as I first was because there simply is no other way for us to live but as one
Somewhere out there a voice tells me you’re with someone else
That you are inside someone that is not me
That you’re screaming a name not mine
My heart stops beating, and the only sound I hear is the lies you once spat
My blood is boiling as I imagine those soft lips pressed against another’s
I can only imagine the excuses you’ll give me upon your return
I’ll know I’ll want to believe them but you haven’t yet washed the smell of her off your clothes
As you kiss me hello, I can still taste her on you
I wait patiently for a simple explanation but I can’t wait forever
My heart is broken, my head throbbing but none of the pain is quite as bad as the promises you broke.
I can’t imagine me throwing you out in the cold leading back to her and forcing myself to get over you
Instead I stay silent, wishing you were as dead as I feel.
My head feels heavy from the dreams that have been running through my mind the past 8 hours
Four legs entangled and none of them are my own
The image of her milky white skin against the dark sheets that we’d made love in countless times
So recent, that my scent was still on them
I can’t shake these feelings that you are with another
I close my eyes and I see the two of you laughing together, kissing and touching
I will never sleep again, I’ll never even lay my head down
I can’t ever sleep again- Not until I make you pay
I look into your eyes and I want to strangle you
The fireworks that went off when I first gazed into them a distant memory
Your indiscretion stares at me, making my heart that once soared for you heavy with aches
This love once made me feel whole now it hurts like an aneurism I feel all over my body
And I swear to you the next time I see you we’ll both be rotting in hell.
I’m not strong enough to shake you to death, not clever enough to cut your breaks
But I’ve got just enough anger inside me to smother you while you sleep my darling
You were right when you said you’d never love another
I will never let you go, I promise you that
Don’t fret my love when I die which will be shortly after you
My soul will be lifted and carried to the fiery gates you once crossed
You won’t be alone forever – You won’t be alone for long.
There’s no me without you
There’s no Saturday night romance in front of the television
Passionate embrace or butterfly kisses
Now that your gone there is no laughter
There is only guilt and regret
As I pressed down hard to let the life out of you on that cold night in December
I didn’t think about regret, I didn’t think about your absence.
I didn’t think.
It was instantly gratifying but after the moment was gone
Nausea swept over me and tears blurred my vision.
I forgot what my life had been before you.
Deep down I had known it would end like this
I knew then I would never let you walk away from me
I do feel sorrow for both of us
For the life you could’ve had
That I took away all that you were and all you were going to be
And sorry for me; to have to live without you is all the punishment I need
As I step over your body I feel you watching me from above
And I know you understand what others won’t – I had no choice
You’re here- you’re finally here- Thank you.
For some reason I knew we would meet again
My friends told me to let go but I refused
I knew we would find each other before we died
Tell me everything that I don’t know.
I want to know everything about you even the most mundane information
Have you taken any vacations, where are you working, did you come here to find me?
Have you shattered any lives like you shattered mine?
The last thing you said to me on that gloomy morning in December was that you would find me
That we should do this again sometime
Well, I wholeheartedly agree. Let us do this again
However, this time I will be in control
I will blindfold you to make it kinky and tie your hands behind your back
I will pour hot wax on your genitals and sodomize you until you scream with pain that I once screamed for
I will humiliate you
All the joys you experienced will be a lost memory and you’ll always remember this
I want to take away all you’ve become and all you could become
Because of the human body, a mysterious thing, you will most likely get hard and feel some form of pleasure- how absolutely shameful.
Avoid me, do not respond to my messages and do not try to find me
I will rip your cold heart out with my bare teeth and leave you to die- just how you left me
And then I’ll take photographs of you and send them to your family- this is he made me do
I promise you will not survive- I’ve thought about killing you for over 6 years
My method is flawless- Look for me
And I fill up at the sight of you
So I can’t imagine what I would do to your touch
I can only hope your hand will never know the familiarity of my body
That your tongue will never know the simplicity of my small breast
And your eyes will only roam my legs closed
For that would be my breaking point
There is no coming back from such truth and such reality
And a just end would be brought to this fantasy I live and breathe
I happily use you as my obsession and knowing you knowing me
Inevitably produces hurdles upon hurdles, unbreakable and unmoving
Angrily shoving me out of this sweet innocent compulsion to love you
Into the cold with wonder and hurt at the things I thought you were
At the way I thought you’d make me feel
Your touch grows cold, your hand coarse and your tongue cutting
I grow to despise you and everything about you
My stomach churns at the thought of how I once felt about you
Your gaze holding mine giving me butterfly, seems a lifetime away
I’m angry, I am so angry at you for your flaws
And your inability to make me feel whole
That I want to spit in your face
I want to throw all of your shit out and was every trace of you
Every kiss you ever gave me off of my body
Because the representation of you is so much better then who you really are.
And isn’t that always the case?
I don’t want to know you because I have to love you;